The Fifteen Commandments of Attachment

I came across a list of attachment issues that I thought it might be helpful to new adoptive families. But I had to put my own spin on it...so here I give the the 15 commandments of creating attachment

1) Thou shalt not shareth your child with multiple caregivers until attachment to you is very secure lest the baby become confused.

2) Thou shalt hold and carry your child as much as possible.

3) Thou shalt not depend on the stroller for it is an abomination which will preventeth bonding.

4) Thou shalt stay close to your child as much as possible for that is the way unto the blessedness of attachment.

5) Thou shalt keep your life low key for six months even thou though livest in a busy and crazy land full of temptations

6) Thou shalt not let family/friends/acquaintances or little-old-well-meaning ladies holdeth /feedeth or nurtureth thoust child lest they confuseth it---includeth herewith is church nurseries

7) Thou shalt provideth high levels of nurture and structure even if thy usual state is chaos!

8) Thou shalt maintain eye contact during bottle feedings with infants and toddlers for food is the way to a baby's heart

9) Thou shalt holdest thy child in thy arms and sing or use loving words, as thy would an infant for it is soothing and is the only time thy can get away with such silly behavior

10) Thou shalt not “Ferberize or commiteth any other crazy sleep method on thy child because adopted children slumber not nor sleepeth well and needeth contact--not crying to adjust. Thou mightest have to sleepeth neareth thou child for a long time until they are secure enough to sleepeth without thou.

11) Thou shalt accepteth without complaint the end of prime time television, sex and other pleasant recreations whilst thou obeyest number 10.

12) Thou shalt looketh with longing for when number 10 and 11 no longer apply!

13) Thou shalt playest baby games (peek-a-boo and patty cake) to break the ice for anyone crazy enough to adopt is crazy enough to play these games

14) Thou shalt taketh every advantage of time like swimming or bathtime to have skin to skin contact

15) Thou shalt tryeth to be thy child's primary caregiver for as long as possible for thy employment isn’t half as wonderful as thoust baby

She hates me!

She just cried whenever I looked at her for the first 5 days. What a kick in the groin after working so hard and waiting so long to get her. This is how I felt--and it doesn’t always happen to be the man--a female friend of ours had the baby latch to the Dad for a full two weeks before she would warm up to Mom. With my daughter, I figured she was used to women in the orphanage and my beard probably made her think I was a dog or something--I thought about shaving, but the passport would look different and then I might be stuck in China forever.

My advice on this is to be patient-as the song says “time is on your side.” They just have too much going on in their little brains to bond to two people at the same time.

As an illustration: A couple I ran into in the elevator at the White Swan last month mentioned that they were having "severe attachment problems"- meanwhile the child was clinging to Mom. The fact that the baby was clinging showed that the baby was actually attaching quite well- looking for comfort from at least one parent. If they weren’t out the door I would have suggested using the international language of childhood- Play! What I mean is when the baby is rested and fed (get everything going your way after all) get down on the floor and start to play with an interesting toy, not with the child but rather near them. She will ignore you at first but then if she gets interested in the toy roll it over her way and let her play with it and get another she might like. Always let the child come to you- this allows her to gauge her own comfort level with you. If it doesn’t work after a half hour try again in a couple of hours- it will work eventually and soon the “ severe attachment problem" will just be a bad memory
.