On being a tourista

I love to travel. One of the great temptations for me during the trips to China was to try to see as much as I could and to eat as much local food as possible. The problem wa,s I wasn't really in China to travel. I was in China to form a family! Each day I would wake up and tell myself  "I am not here as a tourist". That was followed by the most difficult thing a man can do- try to think how to help my wife out with taking care of the baby. The temptation to go to the exotic Beijing market (where you can get everything from fried scorpions on a stick to sheep's penis) was almost too much but i can proudly say I said no and just had a scorpion delivered to my room by friends in our travel group.
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The point is that it takes time to effectively bond to your child and the best way to do that is to not be a tourist but rather be a parent, having lots of down time: time hanging out in the hotel room playing, trying out the squeaky shoes in the hotel lobby or just playing in the park.

This also applies to when you get home. Try as much as possible to keep your life simple and not foo full of activities and events. This wasn't easy for us when we arrived home to two college students, a girlfriend and a boyfriend and Christmas, but down time was important the help our daughter adjust to her new forever world. Daycare unless absolutely neccesary, preschool, dance, gymnastics you name it--is best left for a few months down the road once your child has become comfortable with her new home and family.

P.S. the scorpions just taste like salty potato chips (see picture) but I passed on the penis- probably taste's like chicken anyway.

She hates me!

She just cried whenever I looked at her for the first 5 days. What a kick in the groin after working so hard and waiting so long to get her. This is how I felt--and it doesn’t always happen to be the man--a female friend of ours had the baby latch to the Dad for a full two weeks before she would warm up to Mom. With my daughter, I figured she was used to women in the orphanage and my beard probably made her think I was a dog or something--I thought about shaving, but the passport would look different and then I might be stuck in China forever.

My advice on this is to be patient-as the song says “time is on your side.” They just have too much going on in their little brains to bond to two people at the same time.

As an illustration: A couple I ran into in the elevator at the White Swan last month mentioned that they were having "severe attachment problems"- meanwhile the child was clinging to Mom. The fact that the baby was clinging showed that the baby was actually attaching quite well- looking for comfort from at least one parent. If they weren’t out the door I would have suggested using the international language of childhood- Play! What I mean is when the baby is rested and fed (get everything going your way after all) get down on the floor and start to play with an interesting toy, not with the child but rather near them. She will ignore you at first but then if she gets interested in the toy roll it over her way and let her play with it and get another she might like. Always let the child come to you- this allows her to gauge her own comfort level with you. If it doesn’t work after a half hour try again in a couple of hours- it will work eventually and soon the “ severe attachment problem" will just be a bad memory
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