Adopting an older child

Let's be clear - adopting an older child IS harder than adopting a younger child! I recently asked someone who has led adoption groups for years about what one thing do they see that is making the trips more difficult for parents and their response was they are seeing young parents who are unprepared either mentally or emotionally for the challenges that are involved with adopting the older child. Parents often have unrealistic expectations about what things will be like and aren't flexible when the situation turns out different than expected. And perhaps social workers aren't preparing families adequately either. The face of adoption has changed in the last three years. When we were at the White Swan in Dec. of 2009 getting China 2, we saw more boys, more older kids, and more special needs kids than we did back in 2006.

You are not getting an easier situation despite not having to change diapers and give bottles. They are more mature and thus more mental in their outlook so you will need to deal not only with the emotions but the more mature acting out. In addition they have learned ways to survive in the orphanage that will take time to unlearn. Problems such as: overeating when food is abundant, hoarding food, being physically aggressive, lying, not following rules, etc are all common.  Difficulties in transition and attachment disorders increase as the child is older at adoption. In addition, although the child wants a forever Mommy and Daddy, the reality of living in a different home doesn't always match his or her dreams. All that being said, most children do well and form strong lasting bonds but do not fool yourself that it will be somehow easier.

Should I bring my two year old to China?

I was recently asked this by a young mom in Church. She was agonizing over whether tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of bringing a two year old to China, or by opposing, leave her at home in the capable hands of Grandma. One the one hand, leaving the two year old at home allows Mom and Dad to focus exclusively on that critical and difficult bonding with the newly adopted baby, a time that can be challenging. On the other hand, the 2 year old will miss this transition, will miss Mom and Dad and to add insult to injury they come home with a new baby that sucks up all the attention that used to be focused on them.

The background of this discussion stems from recent discussion of this by families on the forums and most -even those who took 2 year olds - agreed that it is better to leave them at home. Rather than take their word for it I asked my China connection who has shepherded 1,000's of family in China through the adoption process for the last 10 years. She suggests that unless the child is a very good traveler and easy going they should be left at home to stay in the same consistent routine with Grandparents until Mom and Dad come home.

A two year old would enjoy a trip to Disneyworld, but in a year would probably not remember anything of meeting Mickey Mouse. A two year old would not remember the cultural experiences of a trip to China. On our trip to China for China 2, we did bring China 1, who was 4.75 years old. Frankly we didn't have anyone to leave her with and a four year old has a level of independence that a two year old does not.

Let's picture this: You are on a bus traveling to the civil affairs office on the other side of the city. Two year old starts to pitch a fit because she wants a toy she left at the hotel. Mom tries but can't console her. Two year old thrashes so much in her fit that she falls to the floor of the bus, because there are no carseats and no seat belts (this is China after all), and bumps her head, and wails even louder. Mom is holding the new adopted baby, who is crying because she wants a bottle, but tries to console Two Year Old. Dad tries to take Baby, but she screams bloody murder if he looks at her and Two Year Old wants nothing to do with him and hits him. Mom tries to mix baby's bottle but it leaks and spills all over her. she gets annoyed with Dad for not being helpful. the screaming gets louder. Dad wishes he had his iPod.

Factors to consider if you bring another young child with you to China:

Does he/she tolerate change?
Does he/she meltdown if on a different schedule? 
Does she need regular naps and bedtimes?
Is he/she a picky eater?

There is just too much to deal with jet lag going both ways, the new child needing  uninterrupted intense bonding time from Mom and Dad, and a toddler who also needs attention. It becomes unfair to the 2 year old who has his/her own exhaustion/emotional issues to consider. Being at home in a consistent routine in a supportive environment will help him better weather the time away from Mom and Dad as well as the transition of the new baby into the home-and all without jet lag. And Mom and Dad can give all their energies to focusing on their new child, a child who will grieve the loss of her familiar environment, who may be anxious, who may act out aggressively, who may have sleep or eating issues. It's a hard enough trip for adults without the added stress of another very young child. So there's my expert opinion.